Saturday, August 30, 2008

Our Date with Hockeywood...Second Visit

Buon Giorno. Welcome to the Waikiki Hockey Ristorante.

If this is your first visit to the Ristorante you may to want to look back to our first visit where we looked at our first six couples in our quest to determine who the most interesting hockeywood couple is.

On the menu at the Ristorante today are a few serial daters; some individuals seem to keep coming back for another kick at the hockeywood can.

Jared Stoll and Rachel Hunter – rumoured to be engaged.

Kiwi Model Rachel Hunter is best known for posing for Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition and marrying Rod Stewart. She posed for Playboy (seems like a lot of the hockeywood girls have) for $1.8 million dollars in 2004, which she just added to the $66 million pile she got from her divorce from Stewart. More recently, she’s been on a string of reality TV shows as she tries to hang on to her fame for just a few more years. Before she dated Stoll, Rachel dated agitator Sean Avery (see below), who was ten years younger than her. She managed to beat her record as Stoll is 12 years her junior. Here’s a five second video of their first meeting.

The couple is now engaged to be married (19 year-old Patrick Kane must have been taken) … not a bad year for the kid from Melville, Saskatchewan. Stoll’s best year in the NHL was a 68 point affair in 2005-06 but he has struggled to get back to that level over the past two seasons. He seems like a nice guy, but unlike his predecessor Avery, he gives a very boring cliché filled interview.

Dinner Potential – Since we’re a little younger than Stoll we would be worried about Rachel taking a crack at us during dinner … which would prove awkward with her fiancé sitting right there. If we did end up stealing away his soon to be wife, we imagine Stoll would say: “We wanted to come out strong and have a good entrée, but you gotta give Waikiki Hockey credit…they are a good young website who work hard. They beat me in the corners and that ended up hurting me”

Quality Quotient: 3 (her) + 3 (him) = 6 total

Sean Avery and Rachel Hunter – Dated for a year in 2004
Avery has the unique combination of being one of the most hated players in the league and a pretty boy. He can score the odd goal (33 points in 57 games in 2007-08) and get in the odd fight. You’re just as likely to see Avery drenched in blood as you are to see him on a catwalk … he even interned at Vogue this past summer. This guy is a tough one to figure out. He’s a bit of a starlet stud (or slut, depending on your perspective) as he’s been romantically connected to four young women in Hollywood (the other three are below).

Dinner Potential: Conversation with Hunter could be a bit tough. After we ask her “how did Rod Stewart get his hair to look like that?” we wouldn’t have much else to say. As for Avery … he’s an ass. We’re not denying that. But we think he would be an entertaining ass. Check out this exchange from his interview with Maxim magazine:

Maxim: Who’s the most overrated NHLer?
Avery: Shane Doan in Phoenix, for sure.
Maxim: He has more goals and assists than you, by the way.
Avery: He probably makes three million more than me, too. How many points does he have? I’m sure he doesn’t have that much more than me. He’s a whiner. A lot of the respect he gets is because he’s just a clean-cut guy. He seems like a real
yes-man to me.
Excellent … got to love a player that speaks his mind. If we can get him talking about his romantic exploits while his date goes to the washroom we could really get some good dirt.

Quality Quotient: 3 (her) + 6 (him) = 9 total

Sean Avery and Lake Bell - Hooked up a few times
We have a saying here at Waikiki Hockey: “Never trust a person with a noun for a name”….Lake Bell has two so she's starting off on the wrong foot with us. On the plus side, she is one of the up-and-coming stars in Hollywood. She has starred in TV shows like War Stories, Miss Match and most famously for her role as Sally Heep on Boston Legal. Her film work is highlighted by roles in What Happens in Vegas and Over Her Dead Body. She is also set to star alongside Edward Norton and Colin Farrell in the soon to be released Pride and Glory.

Dinner Potential: Unlike most of the stars on our list Lake Bell has at least some potential to be a big star one day. She is also been rumoured to be the girl that split up Mary Kate Olsen and Avery. Both of those have to count for something.

Quality Quotient: 4 (her) + 7 (him) = 11 total

Sean Avery and Mary Kate Olsen – dated in 2007
Mary Kate Olsen must have taken a tip from her former Full House co-star Candace Cameron (who we will be profiling in a future visit to the Ristorante) when she decided to start dating a hockey player ... too bad she picked Avery. Things didn’t work out as the couple broke up when Avery cheated on Olsen with Lake Bell. In one of our favourite rumours circulating the net, it's claimed that Justin Timberlake wrote the song “What Goes Around…Comes Around” with Avery in mind. How much of a dick do you have to be to get JT to think you’re a player? That is one of the best song inspirations since Full House’s Dave Coulier was rumoured to be the focus of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” That’s right, two Full House references in one paragraph. Boo-Yah!

Hey Mary Kate Olsen: You’re one of the most famous people on the planet ... but guess what? We can’t name one thing you’ve done other than Full House. Unless of course you want to count being implicated in Heath Ledger's OD, but we're guessing you don't. Looking at her imdb page we see she has done a few TV guest spots and even an actual movie…for adults! We still don’t get why she is so famous, do people actually think she’s good looking? We should give her some credit though, appearing in some ‘real’ movies and her role on Weeds, means she is at least trying to be an actual actress.

Dinner Potential: We get the feeling that the ultra-skinny Mary Kate Olsen would be one of those people who would complain about how fat they are so they order a salad but then they don’t eat it and instead eat our fries. “Get your own damn fries lady!”

Quality Quotient: 2 (her) + 6 (him) = 8 total

Sean Avery and Elisha Cuthbert – dated in 2006 & 2007
In addition to his conquests above, Avery has also been romantically tied to fashion designer Charlotte Ronson and Calvin Klein’s ex-wife Kelly. They really aren’t Hollywood starlets and we’re getting sick of talking about Avery so we’ll ignore them. For Avery’s last appearance on this list we’ll look at his relationship with Canadian cutie Elisha Cuthbert.

Elisha is one of the most attractive females on the planet according to FHM and Maxim magazines. She had a small role in the movie Old School but she is best known for her role as Jack Bauer’s daughter Kim in the hugely successful TV show 24. She’s starred in a handful of movies that were panned by critics (like House of Wax alongside Paris Hilton), but has started to appear in a few films with more substance. Movies like The Girl Next Door (where she played a porn star) and especially He Was a Quiet Man (a hot, bitchy brunette in a wheelchair) were better received by some critics. Her next movie My Sassy Girl is a romantic comedy and it even has a hockey scene in it.

We have a bit of a soft spot for Cuthbert … not sure if it’s because she’s Canadian, she’s been in a Weezer video, or because she’s a big hockey fan. She's a King's season ticket holder and even wrote a blog for in 2006 ... pretty ordinary, but how many starlets on this list know who Joe Sakic is.

Dinner Potential: The down-to-earth Elisha would make an excellent dinner companion … we wouldn’t even need Avery’s antics to keep us entertained throughout the night.

Quality Quotient: 7 (her) + 6 (him) = 13 total

Mike Komisarek and Elisha Cuthbert – dated for a short time in 2007
Elisha was labelled a puck bunny (or worse) by many tabloids after she started dating Komisarek. Call us crazy but a girl who dates two hockey players in a row shouldn’t be thought ill of … it’s not like she’s the female version of Avery. Dating hockey players only makes Elisha more desirable in our books. It's definitely one way to get more youngsters to take up the sport.

Komisarek was a first round draft pick for the Canadiens in 2001. He has become one of the team’s most reliable defenders. He’s a big hitter and projects to be a good defensive defenseman in the NHL … which is illustrated by his 17 points in 75 games last year. He seems like a nice enough guy but defensive defensemen aren’t the most exciting players to watch. We think they also might make boring dinner companions.

Dinner Potential: Elisha is intriguing but when Avery is a better invite than you are, it’s not a good thing.

Quality Quotient: 7 (her) + 4 (him) = 11 total

Dion Phaneuf and Elisha Cuthbert – Currently Dating
Many people think Elisha comes across as pretty stupid, like in this Letterman interview. We here at Waikiki Hockey have delved a bit deeper and discovered there may be a bit more to young Miss Cuthbert. You see, she hosted the Canadian TV show Popular Mechanics for Kids from 1997-2000. During this time, she must have picked up a few facts or tidbits which would make a dinner conversation more interesting.

It’s unbelievable to see what the 23-year-old Phaneuf has accomplished in his first three NHL seasons. Aside from the 159 points he’s racked up he’s become one of the most feared players in the league. He’s known for bone crushing hits and will drop the gloves if needed as well. He doesn’t have much of a personality but we’ll overlook that because he’s so good.

We have high hopes this relationship will work out. In an interview he gave before he met Elisha he listed Old School as his favourite movie. The same Old School that co-starred Cuthbert. It's destiny.

Dinner Potential: Taking one of our favourite hollywood starlets and adding one of the best young NHL players makes for an interesting night out. Dion may be lacking a bit in personality but having dinner with a future Hall of Famer would more than make up for it. We can't get enough of Phaneuf.

Quality Quotient: 7 (her) + 8 (him) = 15 total

Still have another few visits to the Ristorante so make sure you keep coming back to Waikiki Hockey regularly to see the exciting conclusion to this complete waste of time.

Ready for our third installment? Click here and get ready for more gibberish.


McDaddy said...

Avery is the man! I don't know why he broke up with Cuthbert though.

Anonymous said...

You're really using the term "stars" loosly with his article.